Falling off
I am not sure that is an adequate metaphor for the way I feel. I doubt I was ever firmly planted anywhere long enough for me to feel like I was truly falling off. The ground always seems one or two steps away from cracking beneath me. I want so much for someone to come and care for me - not like a butler, concierge, or even p.a. How is it that for much of my life there has been no one who knew what to say to me when I was upset, how to calm me down when the tears turned into hyperventilation, how to make me feel safe, how to keep me from feeling utterly alone in a world of strangers and dark thoughts? Is this true for everyone? What is so special about those who found this in another person? Why do they get this when so many of us do not? Where do I stand in line to buy a ticket because I will wake up early and sit on cold concrete for days if that fulfilled promise awaits me at the will-call window.
I think maybe there is no point in taking my medication. If I feel miserable when I take it,why bother with it. All it has done lately is make me feel dizzy and cost me money that I could spend to hang out with friends tonight - instead I will be at home trying to keep it all together. Ironically, I felt this exact same way even when my failed relationship was still actively "working." My sorrow isn't about the split, it is about me.
I am feeling much like I did a few months ago when I was almost sent to the hospital. I managaed to convince my therapist that I could handle it. Happily, she also knows that sometimes hospitals do more damage than healing. She understood that having someone there 100% of the time to listen with open arms is really what I needed. She cannot write me a scrip for that. So now I am in a new place of my life and feeling that way again - I know it is dangerous I am aware. What am I to do? Wait it out? Hope for a soft landing when the journey ends? Cry to friends? Cry in silence?
There are no answers to this - or none that I have found yet.
posted by sideshow freak @ 12:12 PM
2 Comments:
I don't know how involved you were with your last blog, your writing looks familiar, though. If you don't know of the wonderful people out in "blogland", please visit any of the links on my site. We all have different religions, political views, and social status, but you will never find anywhere a more caring, comforting network of people, who all know how you feel. We haven't all been in the same place in our illnesses, some more sick than others, but we all know how it feels to be completely alone in a room full of people who love us, to have no one understand, p-docs and therapists who give advice that we could never possibly take, responsibility overwhelming us to the point of almost drowning. I've never cared so much for people I've never met, had so much encouragement, even when I'm away for months, or learned so much that I am not my illness. That was my biggest struggle, I couldn't possibly see that Bipolar Disorder wasn't me, I had no personality other than what my illness dictates. But I have grown, and I could not have done it without the help of everyone online. I owe more to everyone here than any familymember, friend, doctor or therapist. I've gone to church my entire life and I've never met more accepting, encouraging people. Most important, sometimes, knowing that you have to be there to encourage them is the only thing that gets you thru the day.
I will come back and check on you - good luck!
Thanks for the support. When I was blogging while back I was reading yours and was thrilled to find it again. I will probably work my way back into the bipolar bloggers as I slowly get back into this.
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