Transformed

Okay, maybe that is too strong of a word, but thanks to friends with immense patience, compassion, advice, and willingness to listen to me talk, cry, and rant I am on the mend. I have much work ahead of me in terms of figuring out how I handle this issue of an absence of father-figures. Also, as a friend pointed out, I have had issue for some time with people not following through with what they say - being let down has always been a major issue for me and one that has often come up in my relationships. This is a moment for me to look more closely at this and see how I may be reacting in such situations. Am I looking at this "let down" of my surrogate father in isolation? Am I making decisions about other aspects of my life because of what he has done/not done for me? I need to think about these issues. This is only one of many reasons why this insightful friend means a great deal to me and why his recent seemingly "disappearing act" on me hurt as much as it did. He has a way of looking at things in my life from angles that I cannot see. His willingness to bring these up with me in non-judgmental ways amazes me. Rarely do I talk with him without feeling better about my life when we are finished. When I act shitty/weird around him in person (because I have near overwhelming feelings for him) I feel worse - mostly because I have wasted time with him that I almost never get to have in person. It is seeing him, watching his mouth move when he speaks, his smile, his winks, the way he laughs, his eyes sparkling - yea I'm smitten.

I have another call scheduled tonite with yet another amazing man who has always been there for me when I have called on him. I think I should be grateful for this a bit more than I am.

Over the weekend I got to hang out with a supertalented woman who moved away a year or so ago. We talk often on the phone, email, etc and having her across the table of pan-asian food from me was awesome. We talked about life, tattoos, food, men, clothes, the future, families, and much more. It was a much better evening than was originally planned. And she burned me some supercool discs!

The same night that I had the fab dinner my fairy godmother invited me to jump in the car and drive to her house to have a fun-filled evening of tacos, football, and Xmas trees. She called to help restore me and she did just that. Talk about someone who has been in some of the same places I am right now. I am not sure I would have made it through the night without her phone call. Literally.

Have no fear, the woman of despair will return again. For now she is gone.

I am, I suppose, thankful at this time of year for such people in my life.