Holiday sorrow or just sorrow?

Did some "family" decorating for the holidays yesterday. I always love unpacking ornaments and remembering who gave them to me or the stories behind them. This was the first year in at least the last three that I was not alone doing most of this - ironic given that I don't even live in that home anymore. The evening consisted of laughter, goofing around, eating, talking, some rare moments of honesty, and tears.

I looked around the home when I got there, before the lights, the tree, the santas, bears looking like santas, dogs looking like santas, cats looking like santas, etc, and one would never have known that I ever lived there. It is like I was erased from that spot. Six years and they somehow disappeared that quickly and completely. I was befuddled to understand how someone would want me me back when it doesn't seem I was ever there.

If I had not taken the Xanax I am not sure I would have ever fallen asleep after I got home - despite how tired I was. So I took it and slept for nine hours - not good since I have either talked to friends on the phone or cried the rest of the day and I have a bunch of reading to be doing. I cannot help but wonder is it just the tinsel and miseltoe that has me crying or is that my homw no longer knows my name.

Well, the Xmas tree looks great.