Keeps Spiders in Her Pockets

So, today I turn one year older and thought I would spend the evening on my own. It was a good choice. Despite family and failing relationship partner's attempts to have me out for dinner, I managed to get time to myself. Watched a wonderful film, chatted on the phone a bit, and now here I am thinking I have some wonderful words of reflection over the past year. Honestly, I do not want to "reflect" on the past year. I do that in therapy sessions where I have someone who is able to help me sort through it. Doing that now would only ruin a rather peaceful day. It has not been an easy year.

Surgery went well. Recovery is a slow process and strict. Should I overdo it, back to the operating room I go. Needless to say I'm trying to take it easy - not an easy task for a bipolar academic like me. Plus, there are all those post-holiday sales and like a true manic I love shopping. I could not be happier with the results - I both feel and look like a new person.

Now I need to focus on all that lies ahead of me in the next few months - major life-determining tests. This is where all the work I have done for the past 3.5 years comes to fruition or not. And I need it all to come together. I dream of the life I will have doing what I love. There have been few things in my life that I have wanted more than this.

And now, back to the books ;-)

Holiday sorrow or just sorrow?

Did some "family" decorating for the holidays yesterday. I always love unpacking ornaments and remembering who gave them to me or the stories behind them. This was the first year in at least the last three that I was not alone doing most of this - ironic given that I don't even live in that home anymore. The evening consisted of laughter, goofing around, eating, talking, some rare moments of honesty, and tears.

I looked around the home when I got there, before the lights, the tree, the santas, bears looking like santas, dogs looking like santas, cats looking like santas, etc, and one would never have known that I ever lived there. It is like I was erased from that spot. Six years and they somehow disappeared that quickly and completely. I was befuddled to understand how someone would want me me back when it doesn't seem I was ever there.

If I had not taken the Xanax I am not sure I would have ever fallen asleep after I got home - despite how tired I was. So I took it and slept for nine hours - not good since I have either talked to friends on the phone or cried the rest of the day and I have a bunch of reading to be doing. I cannot help but wonder is it just the tinsel and miseltoe that has me crying or is that my homw no longer knows my name.

Well, the Xmas tree looks great.

Winding Down and Gearing Up

As the semester winds down I am already anticipating how much I will miss my students. I have not enjoyed a class this much in a long time. Even those who pissed me off by blowing off assignments - were great in class discussions and fun much of the time. Now, I gear up to grade up their final writings, etc. All of which must be done by Tuesday afternoon next week and I won't get the damn things for another few days. Ugh! Such is life I suppose - or mine anyway.

My anxiety about surgery grows each day. Also the lengthy recovery has me worried beyond my normal worrying. I keep reminding myself that I must be good about taking my meds through all of this. If I am even a little wishy washy, it will all go badly. Getting manic will lead to my over-exerting myself, resulting in internal bleeding, resulting in another surgery. Getting depressed will keep me from getting studying done and this will be the prime time to work my tail off in preparation for my tests.

Friends keep telling me to look on the bright side - the end result. I try, I really do - but my thoughts run away with me - imagine that someone bipolar having a tough time reigning it in?

Will probably be posting more while recovering, reading, and resting.