Sleep Where Have You Gone

Once again last night I got minimal sleep. I was tossing and turning when it was time to sleep. Finally fell asleep.....ahhhhhh. Then, woke up at 1, woke up at 3 woke up at 4:15 and went back to sleep at 5:50. Boyfriend's alarm went off at 6 and that was about it for my night. I am exhausted but awake. I am proud of myself because I didn't go back to bed after getting my kid off to the bus, but I am exhausted. Why does this happen? Is there something I can eat or drink at night that will help me sleep, something besides sleeping pills? I used to have to take sleeping pills, but can't afford them anymore. I want to be able to get a good night's rest for a change, maybe even on a regular basis.
Bought the most amazing necklace on etsy.com yesterday. It is going to be my good luck charm when i have writer's block. The creator was awesome at doing some custom work on it so it is truly perfect for me. Without a doubt etsy is the best site out there. I highly recommend it for bad days, gifts, etc. Just watch out if you are on a manic shopping spree. Last summer I spent hundreds of dollars on great stuff, but needed that money when fall came. It happens. I am slowly learning to forgive myself for doing those things instead of dwelling on them and beating myself up. At the time I was not "myself" and I made some piss poor decisions. I need to let it go now.
I have a stack of papers to grade today. I plan to get through 10-12 of them. I also want to read at least 50 pages of genre theory before the day is over. Maybe I will also read some of my Bronte novel that is just-for-fun. Despite my workload I am really trying to include some fun reading. Otherwise it all seems like work. I love what I do, but it is work at the end of the day and I don't want reading to become drudgery in any way. I love reading it is part of why I do what i do.
Okay, on with the day.

Long Time No Post

I haven't been on here in ages, but feel like maybe I have the time and the need to be back. I have been doing a good job managing my mental illnesses. Back on all my meds after a time off one of them. I am having some trouble sleeping, which results in sleeping in the morning and taking naps in the afternoon. I need to find a way around that. I can't be in bed all day when I need to be productive.
Any advice on that?
Got some good news today and also have been getting lots of work done the last couple of days. Now, if I could only understand the theory I am reading for my dissertation all would be great. A new man in my life for the past six months who is more supportive than I could have imagined anyone could be. He is 110% in my corner on everything. An excellent listener to boot. In love, yes.
So, basically. Wanted to say I'm back and better than ever, I think.

If I know the knives will cut me, why do I stand there while they throw them?

Haven't posted in some time as life was hectic and I was doing well. Came to conclusion that relationship has no hope for the future - none. That is good, although at times depressing. Apparently I suck at long-term commitment, something upon which our culture places great value.
By accident (difficult to explain what that means) I met someone online for a casual/physically-based "thing." I have spent time with this guy - much of it in bed - great time spent in bed. Now I am wondering what the fuck am I doing. My previous relationship is not legally over yet, but over in all other ways. I am in major overload mode with work - major, major, major. And to add to it all I am bipolar.
Do bipolar people date? Is it possible for me to have any sort of "casual" thing with someone? I am a mess and always will be a mess. I have orange bottles of pills that remind me that every morning. I am having a good time with this guy on a number of different levels but am making it complicated in my head. I thought it was a wonderful idea at first - this guy thing. Now I am wondering if I am stupid as hell for jumping into something like this.
Why can't I just be happy with my dog? I understand him with ease.

Sorry but i sort of dislike boys today

Since I feel so down on the males of my species thought I should listen to some L7 and that is not helping me feel much compassion for the boys. Perhaps that is why I chose it. I am so not interested in dating! I get online to see what is out there and if anyone would even see my pic and think "she's decent." Well it must be slim pickings on this particular site I choose cuz I have gotten bombarded with emails. I am not tooting my own horn either - I was amazed by it. - truly. I thought maybe one or two inquiries. Point is I chatted with someone who I completely hit it off with and now I am aggravated by it all. Why should I care if he chats with others - isn't that the point of online dating? Why should I care if he emails and says he wants to chat and then doesn't IM me? WTF? I don't want to date for fuck's sake! And yet all i can think is stupid boys!!!!

So now I am chatting with someone and not nearly as interested as I was in this other guy. Sucks. What sucks more is that I am sucked into it all like a stupid know-nothing. I am actually getting manic in my email and IM account updates. Not good. I have work to do. I don't need to be chatting with anyone at 11 at night - I need to be studying. Oh, for fuck's sake. If they can put me on all these other pills, why can't they give me something to keep me from doing stupid shit like this.
ugh!
sorry boys - it ain't you, it's me

Does everyone need human connections?

I was certain only a few days ago that all was good - maybe even better than good. My therapist suggested we meet less often as I seemed on the right track, happy, and stable. Plus, I reassured her that I would take my meds everyday as my pdoc said missing one day of the new anti-depressants would make me ill. (a good thing to know as i sometimes choose to "miss" a day here or there). Stupid me decides that since my relationship is non-existent I will see what options might be out there. I, in fact, have no desire to date, i have no time for it, no energy to make small talk over caesar salad, work to impress someone and hide the "real" me until i think they dig me. So why even look?

I do. I look and I meet someone over cyberspace. It will probably lead no further than the hour or so of chatting we shared. During that time I felt wonderful. I couldn't sleep and read well into the morning ( something that normally puts me to sleep once cinderella has lost the slipper). Why this need to feel a mutual connection with some other human - not friendship. I know how much i need that. What is it that I am so hellbent on not dating and then turn into a near giddy schoolgirl when i have the chance to flirt with what seemed to be an intelligent and humorous person? I want to believe that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and yet I fear that I was taught that I need a man. My mom was always so miserable when she was not dating someone.

I was by myself for a number of years and it was one of the happiest times of my life. I hung out with my couple friends and felt great - no third wheel or loneliness to it. So why now? I actually am about to get over a major hurdle in my career (hurdle is perhaps the wrong word). This is it - the future i want doing what i love. Still, i cannot help but feel disappointed in myself. I want to feel like i am enough - always enough.

Family, Friends, and False Hopes - oh my!

I thought I would write something meaningful on here in the last few days, but alas. I actually spent most of the past few days reading - lots of reading for the upcoming hoops through which I must jump. I made it through 4 books completely, 1 is half read, and another I have read through the Preface and Chapter 1. Not bad given the longest one was 550 pages and the shortest somewhere in the 200s. Still, does not feel good enough. I look at the calendar and start to panic - not Xanax panic, thank non-existent deities for that. I have too much to do to be knocked out by my Xanax every time I think about the reality of these things. Seeing them on actual days, in black and white - days that will be here soon - in just over a month in fact. Yikes. And, honestly and surprisingly, there is a part of me that looks forward to them, not because I will then move one step closer to my dream, but because they will challenge me to see connections and push my thought in new directions. That is what this work is all about. Remind me of this in a month when I am taking the Xanax :-)

Okay, don't actually want to deal with the family shit at the moment. Too late to start into that, although I know I need to address it beyond calling sibs and bitching about the situation. Ugh. Are there families who have no dread of the holiday gatherings? Do the Brothers and Sisters dinners, weddings, trust, honesty - does it exist in real life? (Not that I want to find out I have a half-sister who is the result of a republican father's affair with an actress, or that my uncle has been terrified all of his life to live as a gay man) - Holy shit! Some of this actually hits a bit too close to home - why can't the winery be included too. All the crap and non of the perks - kind of like being a grader for a gynormous lecture class - non?

In terms of friends, I have some fabulous ones. Many of them keeping in touch with me regularly to see how I am doing. Lots of compliments on the new me (love that!) I am truly lucky in having such great folks in my life who care about me like this. I wish more people saw my friends as they are. Too many great gals I know out there getting treated like shit by guys who are emotionally stunted. One of the many reasons why dating during this currently "off" relationship repulses me. I also have no time, no love for small talk, little patience for bullshit, and really want only one thing from a guy these days.

One of the greatest things a friend can do sometimes is throw a brick right through the transparent false hopes one has. In the last few months I have put a great deal of my positive view and need for change in my life onto a person. I don't think I am explaining this correctly, but I have transferred my need for a new start onto a person who I thought I needed. Silly rabbit. I even talked with my therapist about this. Resolved I would stop this and focus on how awesome my future could be because of me and my goals, etc. Fell into same old habit again. I realize I have done this since I was a small child. So at long last I pushed him just enough to have him pick up the brick and throw it. I was upset. Cried. Said I was fine. Lied. Next day thought about how grateful I was he did it. Not only did he help me get rid of the "fraud" hanging out in my head, but it grounded me back into my world - the one I am making for my current little family. I think he might have the perception that I am pissed at him. I was pissed, but at myself. Now I'm good and grateful.

No new year's resolutions. They seem silly. I want to move forward consistently not on one day of the year.

Went to amazing shrink who I adore. Am weaning off the Cymbalta that made me want to puke for hours after taking it. Am on Effexor now. A friend told me it destroyed her thyroid. I have some concerns about that. However, I am relieved that the nausea is gone in the mornings - people were asking me if I was pregnant - no, my name is not Mary. I asked my doc if I could just go back to Wellbutrin. He looked at the file and reminded me that I went off of it because it gave me suicidal thoughts (not urges). Oops, forgot about that little side effect.

So I have been feeling good and overdoing it. Surgery was less than three weeks ago and I am supposed to be taking it easy - apparently not enough today. It is all the after Xmas sales. Damn the mania, the new shape, and the discounts. (Although I hit a resale shop today - reuse, reuse, reuse). I blame the water bottles from the grocery store - too heavy. I lifted them anyway. Dumbass rabbit. Stitches bleeding tonight - took a pain pill and will hit the hay. I do love pain pills. Seriously.

Keeps Spiders in Her Pockets

So, today I turn one year older and thought I would spend the evening on my own. It was a good choice. Despite family and failing relationship partner's attempts to have me out for dinner, I managed to get time to myself. Watched a wonderful film, chatted on the phone a bit, and now here I am thinking I have some wonderful words of reflection over the past year. Honestly, I do not want to "reflect" on the past year. I do that in therapy sessions where I have someone who is able to help me sort through it. Doing that now would only ruin a rather peaceful day. It has not been an easy year.

Surgery went well. Recovery is a slow process and strict. Should I overdo it, back to the operating room I go. Needless to say I'm trying to take it easy - not an easy task for a bipolar academic like me. Plus, there are all those post-holiday sales and like a true manic I love shopping. I could not be happier with the results - I both feel and look like a new person.

Now I need to focus on all that lies ahead of me in the next few months - major life-determining tests. This is where all the work I have done for the past 3.5 years comes to fruition or not. And I need it all to come together. I dream of the life I will have doing what I love. There have been few things in my life that I have wanted more than this.

And now, back to the books ;-)